Just Tired

By Vanna Contreras

I am tired.

I struggle to hold back the painful tears that threaten to spill after a long sleepless night.

I am just really tired.

I woke up gasping for breath in the morning because I dreamed of my deceased mother, hugging me and holding me. My mom’s comforting aura leaves a ghostly presence on my arms. Her comforting words seep through my head, “it’s going to be okay”. Tears of anger and sorrow stain my cheeks as I angrily get up to wash my now puffy red face. She was ripped away from me by a cowardly disease that has no balls to completely show itself after a round of chemo.

My mom cried in pain on the bathroom floor after throwing up everything she has left.

But I ask myself, is it really going to be okay? The sorrow that rages inside my chest says otherwise.

I cling onto my bathroom sink, as I feel another wave of tears shake my body. The feeling of an empty space in my heart becomes very apparent as I yearn for a mother’s comfort. But, a very quiet voice inside my head says to me “one day at a time”. I take a deep breath and gather myself.

I slum against my bedroom chair weakly. As I look out the window, I see a beautiful complete family walking their dog. They seem to be in a happy bliss moment. How I yearn to have my parents happy, alive and healthy with me. At that moment, I felt like the universe was mocking me. Holding out one of my unattainable deepest desires. I quickly shut the blinds and pretended they were never there.

I am just extremely tired. I feel that I am barely holding it together. I feel that itching crack in the mask.

I think the real reason why I don’t break the mask I wear is because I am afraid.

I am afraid of getting my feelings hurt. I feel so guarded in some ways that it’s actually hard to discern if it’s my trauma’s or insecurities holding me back from the person I want to become.

On the bright side, if there is a bright side, maybe it’s my body telling me to slow down. Maybe I am just doing too much. Just maybe, it’s time to lay down my worries and fears to the one God who says can do it all.

I am just tired.